The art of hitting on someone face to face in real time with real world consequences is struggling to remain socially withstanding. It needs young people to bravely step up and believe in the power of true vulnerability at a time when vulnerability is all but swiped left.
It’s hard for a guy to hit on a girl at a club out of the fear of rejection, and even harder if that approach is attempted outside of an alcohol-fuelled stupor, like walking down the street on a Monday morning. But at least straight guys have tradition behind them. They can see any girl, anywhere, and have a crack if they really want to. Me having a crack at any guy on my soccer team? I think they'd go from blue and gold to plain red in the face.
'Gay guys are stuck with the painful paradox of being potentially more attracted to a guy because he exhibits male traits.'
Gay guys are stuck with the painful paradox of being potentially more attracted to a guy because he exhibits male traits: broader shoulders than hips, a deep voice, a certain level of muscularity, or even the way they walk. This is commonly found in straight men (though not exclusively), so you can understand our predicament. Though I imagine the hardest part for the guy being hit on is when they realise that the guy standing in front of them would probably like to have sex with them given the chance.
Being sexually subjugated by a man? I know, crazy right? But let’s imagine how all of those girls felt that you’ve ever hit on or given an unrequited grind to in a club.
Yep. You can deal.
For guys hitting on guys, you also have the fear of rejection combined with the fear of aggression and, unfortunately, the fear of insulting them. Why a straight man would be insulted or aggressive in response to vulnerability is a whole other issue for whole other article, but for now, let’s break down how to be hit on by a guy if you’re a guy too.
'They aren’t suggesting that you’re gay - they’re hoping that you find them attractive too, whatever that means.'
If you’re a guy and another guy hits on you, it’s paramount that you first understand that they don’t know anything about you other than that they find you attractive. They aren’t suggesting that you’re gay - they’re hoping that you find them attractive too, whatever that means. Just like when you hit on that girl that time. Get out of your own head for a second and drop your guard. Your masculinity won’t help you here. You’ll need to get in touch with your more receptive side - your feminine (stay tuned for more articles around men and the feminine - it’s crucial to our evolution as a heterogametic collective, gay or straight).
In addition to this, men who don’t fit the gay stereotype are starting to pop up all around the world. No, it’s not something in the water. It’s because someone looking or acting gay isn’t what defines their sexuality anymore. Not that it ever did. You just heard a hell of a lot more from the camp, flamboyant gay men because they needed to protect themselves from… well… you.
You’ll want to take this into account when Ben from your footy team hits on you. You won’t expect it, but you should always be ready for it.
Good on you, Ben.
'Your first thought doesn’t have to be ‘but I’m straight’. Try something along the lines of ‘wow, thank you’.'
The next thing you’ll want to consider is how freakin’ ballsy it is for someone to have walked up to the face of a random stranger and expressed themselves in such a compelling manner. You certainly have every right to be momentarily confused and caught off guard, maybe even share a quick chuckle, but you’re gonna want to snap out of that pretty quick and realise that you’ve just received an amazing compliment. It doesn’t matter if it’s a guy or a girl. That stranger found you so captivating that they had to let you know that you have a fantastic smile, or stunning eyes. Your first thought doesn’t have to be ‘but I’m straight’. Try something along the lines of ‘wow, thank you’.
This next step is possibly the hardest for any man: to return the compliment in some way. No, it doesn’t make you gay to tell a guy that he’s handsome or fit in return, but it arguably does make you insecure about your own sexuality if you can’t. Not being able to objectively admit to something being nice about another guy certainly comes across as someone who’s so insecure that they only know what they don’t like, and rarely (if ever) tell you what they do like. That would make them vulnerable and open to criticism. But, again, another article, another time.
'Finish it off with a hand shake. This simple physical act shows that you aren’t afraid of them, and welcomes them into your space. Trust me, it means a lot.'
You’d only be considered gay if you wanted to have sex with men exclusively, so don’t get ahead of yourself. Try something like: ‘that’s really nice of you, man, and massive respect to you for approaching me like this. You’re a pretty handsome guy yourself, but I’m actually only into the ladies’. Finish it off with a hand shake. This simple physical act shows that you aren’t afraid of them, and welcomes them into your space. Trust me, it means a lot.
Finally, comes the re-direct - and if you’ve made it this far, you’re awesome. This is where you either ask them something about themselves such as what their name is, or you go one better and you say you’ve got a male friend that’s single and you offer to connect the two of them. An important disclaimer here though: just because a guy is gay doesn’t mean that he is automatically attracted to all men. Take a look at yourself in the mirror, and at the context in which you met - if your gay friend shares any traits or interests with you, then it’s logical to re-direct this hit to them.
This goes so much deeper than ‘bro, I’m not a poof’. This is a serious men’s issue. I imagine a world where any man can tell another man how they feel about the other and have them listen, understand, and engage with them in return.
Next time a guy hits on you, see it as an opportunity to be a better man. Men being better to other men will only lead to them being better to women.
I bet you didn’t see that coming.
Watch this video to set your mind straight. We can all be better to each other.
Nathan helps people to express themselves at home, at school, and in the workplace, all around the world. He's passionate about thinking, and engages in it regularly. He's not overly fond of writing in the third person though. It's weird. Connect with him on Facebook to continue the conversation, make a video at colourbeat.com, or even share a dance with him at movewithcolour.com!
Gay guys are attracted to male traits, not just to other gay guys.
Learn how to quickly receive and return a compliment from another guy.
Asking him his name and finishing off with a handshake is a great way to respond.