To have someone allow you inside their body is pretty damn special. It’s what I love about sex. It’s an expression of deep intimacy that requires trust and vulnerability. It has the potential to open the mind and body to a sense of real chemical satisfaction. It’s no surprise that all of that vulnerability does leave you open to injury though, both mentally and physically.
It’s why I strongly believe that young people deserve to know how to navigate the world of sex using more than just hearsay and porn. We are responsible for passing our knowledge down to those younger than us. No young person should have to jump through hoops to earn an understanding of the intricacies of their body and how to use it safely. They have an innate right to that knowledge. Suppressing discussion around the act of sex only serves to generate shame, and this is the last thing that guys need - especially those that only enjoy sex with other guys. Unfortunately anal sex, homosexuality, sexual competence, and shame are all bundled together for us. And you thought sex ed for straight kids was lacking…
'You might scratch your head at the thought and think ‘but that’s an exit, right?’'
Anal sex has got to be on the list of things that make you go ‘hmmm’. You might scratch your head at the thought and think ‘but that’s an exit, right?’. Then, quite frankly, your mind jumps to ‘wait… what about shit?’. But for guys who enjoy penetrative sex with other guys, it’s a reality that a lot of us have had to learn about the hard way - through trial and error. The good news is that observing a few simple precautions can make a world of difference. Anal sex is the best option we have, and it’s really not bad at all!
'It’s a biological reality, and nothing more.'
If a young female wants to have vaginal sex she needs to take her menstrual cycle into account. This means that there are times when it’s simply not appropriate to have sex, and this needs to be communicated. It’s the same with anal sex. We all understand that natural processes affect that area too, and that preparedness needs to be communicated.
It could be as simple a question as ‘are you good to go down there?’, to which the person receiving needs to give an honest answer: ’I haven’t actually gone to the bathroom yet today’ or ‘I’ve had a pretty upset stomach, maybe we shouldn’t do it right now’. It’s a biological reality, and nothing more.
Note: what you just ate isn't going to pass through to the back passage for at least 6-8 hours. Starving yourself all day or just having a salad that morning really isn't necessary.
This is a quick one, and it applies to any kind of sex at any time: how clean are you? Guy or girl, not a whole lot of people want to engage in close physical intimacy if you haven’t had a shower. This is particularly relevant for anal sex if you used the bathroom that day and haven’t had a shower since. Again, just be honest and open about this.
'They learn the hard way eventually… '
This is a term you should get very familiar with if you have anal sex. It involves flushing out the inside of your rectum using water. This water can be injected via a simple device like an enema bulb, or using any plastic bottle that has a nozzle (so it will squirt out a stream of water if you squeeze it). You squirt it in, then take a seat on the toilet and relieve yourself as you normally would. The water will come out, along with any remaining bits that you’d rather avoid during sex. This can be a strange sensation the first couple of times you do it, but it quickly becomes effortless.
The act of douching is probably one of the most commonly underperformed rituals for young people engaging in anal sex - most likely due to ignorance, but also due to dumb luck. They learn the hard way eventually…
I would highly recommend that you don’t risk it and ‘hope for the best’ when it comes to the cleanliness of your rectum. Although you will get better at understanding when you can get away with not douching (this is apparent when in a long term relationship), it’s always better to be cautious, particularly out of respect for the other guy. I’ll say it again: the trick is communication. You should be able to have a very open discussion about douching if you both know anal sex is on the cards.
You’ll want to lay down a small towel on the bed around the area that the penetration will be taking place. This is just a precaution in case any liquids decide to make their way out. Small traces of water from douching or even the lube can collect and drip out. This might have blended with very small amounts of bilirubin in the rectum, causing it to be tinted brown. It’s not the best look for your bed sheets. It can also be handy to have a second small towel to wipe the lube off of your hands after it’s been applied.
'Let the person receiving guide you on whether you need to use more lube.'
Unfortunately the anus and rectum don’t self-lubricate like a vagina does. Use some kind of lubricant on your dick and on the other guy’s anus. KY and other well known brands can be purchased at all kinds of supermarkets and stores. This may need to be applied a few times depending on how long it takes for the person receiving to get comfortable. Let the person receiving guide you on whether you need to use more lube.
There’s a common misconception that the only way for two men to have sex is for one to be on their hands and knees and the other to penetrate from behind. This is untrue, and, honestly, feeds into the idea that anal sex is a shameful, dirty act involving one person dominating another. It’s a dated and horrible misconception. Nearly all positions for vaginal penetration can be performed to achieve anal penetration. I would recommend receiving in a supine position if you’re only new to anal sex i.e. you lie on your stomach and the other guy penetrates you by lying on top of you. Receiving while standing up can also be comfortable early on.
Any sexual act requires good communication if both parties are to enjoy themselves. Penetrative sex can cause damage if you don’t talk to each other (but very rarely is this damage debilitating).
To the guy penetrating:
Start by asking ‘are you comfortable? Are you ready?’. The guy receiving can then guide the penis to rest on their anus. Apply a small amount of pressure with the penis, and then check in again - ‘are you ok? How does that feel?’. The guy penetrating should constantly be checking in with the guy receiving, and the guy receiving should be constantly offering feedback on how they’re feeling. Take it slow and steady. Allow every choice you make to be cleared by both of you. Your bodies, after all, are now directly influencing each other.
Some guys will take 30 seconds to relax, loosen, and ‘warm up’, others might take 10-15 minutes or more. The anus will slowly relax from the tension of penetration until a point that it feels quite comfortable, but you both have to be patient. At this point, and when you’re both on the same page, you can begin to penetrate more deeply and with more speed.
To the guy receiving:
Receiving during anal penetration is a very unique experience. It may feel uncomfortable at first, and like you really need to go to the bathroom. This is completely normal. Over time, you won’t associate the feeling of anal sex with the need to go to the bathroom. For many guys, it opens up a world of enjoyment and intimacy that can’t be achieved unless you’ve been on the receiving end of sex.
Your anus has two options as a muscle: contract or relax. Think of it like when you’re going to the toilet. You can either squeeze to make the opening smaller, or ‘push’ and have the opening widen (you can do this even as you sit their reading this article). When you’re receiving it can be helpful to hold the widening/pushing sensation the entire time. It sounds counter intuitive, but imagine you’re trying to shit out their dick. Yep. Don’t squeeze. Push. In addition, you can try taking a few slow, deep breaths as the penetration is taking place.
'That semen only has one way out: back the way it came.'
If a condom was used, then it’s pretty straight forward. Remove the dick, remove the condom, throw it away. But if no condom was used and ejaculation took place, then that semen only has one way out: back the way it came (ha…). Slowly pull out and allow the guy receiving to clench and close his anus simultaneously. That way when the penis comes out completely their anus will be closed and nothing will come out. Don’t worry though, the semen won’t just fall out unless you’re in a position where gravity can help it to do so. Even then it’s not that common.
Some liquids may have creeped out and onto the towel. It’s completely normal, and it doesn’t happen very often.
The guy who received can then go to the bathroom and relieve himself just like you normally would. The semen and some lube will come out. Sometimes it can take a couple of hours before it feels like it needs to come out, so you may not even need to go to the bathroom straight away. Listen to your body.
Be aware that some air could have become trapped and you might fart quite loudly at this point. It’s not charming, but eh, that’s sex for you. Have a laugh about it with the other guy (especially if it happens during the actual sex!).
Depending on the size of the dick and the duration and aggression of the sex, your anus might be slightly sore for a day or two. That’s not always the case though. That’s a choice you have to make: if it’s aggressive, long sex, you’ll most likely be sore - vaginal or anal, guy or girl. Learn what your body can handle and know when to stop or go slower.
For both penetrating and receiving, remember that it takes time and experience for the whole process to become comfortable. I can’t stress this enough! I used to be really uncomfortable receiving, but now it’s one of the most emotionally satisfying experiences I can share with another guy.
'It’s important that you try both sides of the coin.'
It’s important that you try both sides of the coin. I enjoy choosing the kind of sex I feel like having when I feel like having it. There isn’t a position that defines you. Again: dated mentality. Don’t rule out penetrating or receiving until you’ve given it a lot of practise with someone that you care about deeply - not just with a random hook up. You’ll soon find that anal sex is rewarding and immensely satisfying if you just communicate and allow yourself to be vulnerable.
Nathan helps people to express themselves at home, at school, and in the workplace, all around the world. He's passionate about thinking, and engages in it regularly. He's not overly fond of writing in the third person though. It's weird. Connect with him on Facebook to continue the conversation, make a video at colourbeat.com, or even share a dance with him at movewithcolour.com!
Any type of sex requires good communication.
Anal sex requires a bit of extra discussion and hygiene.
Try both penetrating and receiving. It will make you better at both.