'There is a balance in the equation that allows for one physical form to be complemented by, rather than compared to, the other.'
A typical heterosexual couple are assumed to be drawn to the physical qualities in their partner that they themselves do not possess. The guy may admire the soft, rounded features of a typical female face; their slimmer, less muscular build; their hour glass figure; and, of course, their breasts and vagina. The girl might go weak at the knees for a heavier set jaw line; broader shoulders than hips; a more muscular physique; a deeper voice; and, perhaps, their penis. There is a balance in the equation that allows for one physical form to be complemented by, rather than compared to, the other.
With two guys, the equation is distorted and a curious question arises: who’s more attractive? Who has the ‘better’ body? The firmer butt? Perhaps - and most insidiously - who has the bigger penis? Who has the prettier penis? The thicker penis? The longer penis? Who shoots when they ejaculate and who dribbles? Who cums too quickly? Who doesn’t cum easily enough? Who’s circumcised? Who has the more attractive looking anus? Who has more body hair?
The list continues with a sprawling degree of diversity.
'If they are very different to you, why can’t you handle that?'
Who’s better at sport? Who’s a better dancer? Who’s more charismatic? Who has the better smile in your selfies? Who’s older? Who penetrates during anal sex? How long does it take their anus to relax so you can begin penetrating more quickly? Who holds the other when sitting in an intimate embrace at the beach? Who’s the big spoon most of the time? Who has the more accepting family when it comes to their sexuality? Who can lift more weight at the gym? Who has the more masculine demeanour?
Combine all of these points of comparison with the arguably innate jealously that men tend to have towards other men and you end up with a potentially dangerous dynamic between two men in a relationship.
That strong desire you have to be close to a guy you’re attracted to - are you sure you aren’t just jealous and hoping to prove something to yourself by getting with them? Or if they are very different to you, why can’t you handle that? To counter this uncertainty we seek nothing less than our equal.
'While one could write this off as a matter of vanity, I’d argue that it’s actually a matter of insecurity.'
This could be one reason why some gay couples tend to look like one another. The more ‘on par’ they feel, the less jealousy that exists between them. I’ve found that this is particularly prevalent among very attractive gay men. They often appear to only date men that are exactly like them, particularly in terms of their physique. While one could write this off as a matter of vanity, I’d argue that it’s actually a matter of insecurity.
If a guy dates a guy that is different to them in any way it becomes a more difficult relationship to manage. Expectations, comparison, and fear all come into play. At least if they look just like you, you won’t have to doubt yourself or your choice. Whether viewed internally or externally, there is less judgement because there is less difference.
Think about it. How did you feel the last time you realised that the guy you were interested in had a significantly different penis to your own? Or was chubbier or leaner once his shirt came off than you had originally envisaged? Were you put off because of a sudden loss of attraction? Or were you actually terrified because that difference means more effort?
'You’re horrible to the other guys, and they’re horrible to you. And you can’t seem to find a guy that you actually like.'
When you were a teenage boy and found yourself attracted to many of the other boys at school but could do nothing about it, you may have felt quite powerless. The deep, burning desire to express the newfound notions of your adolescence existing at arms length but being unable to do anything about it. Technically you could’ve acted on it. You could’ve tried to fool around with friends at sleepovers (many of us did), and yet there is still a powerlessness to it.
You are gay. And there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t even have a wank without feeling like you are powerless to resist your unnatural or unusual desire.
Jump forward 10 years and now you’re trying to date other guys. You swipe side to side on Tinder, up and down on Grindr, or stare hopelessly into the pulse of a gay club. You finally found yourself in a position of power. So what do you do with it? You abuse it. You’re horrible to the other guys, and they’re horrible to you. And you can’t seem to find a guy that you actually like.
If you’re struggling to find or maintain a relationship with another guy it may be because you’re so afraid of being powerless again. You know there are so many emotionally available young guys on those apps, and at those clubs, who are looking for love just like you. Yet you are unwilling to let them in.
Maybe you’d actually have a more stable relationship with someone that’s very different to you, rather than someone who’s exactly like you. A more powerful relationship.
It begs the question: what are we afraid of, really?
Nathan helps people to express themselves at home, at school, and in the workplace, all around the world. He's passionate about thinking, and engages in it regularly. He's not overly fond of writing in the third person though. It's weird. Connect with him on Facebook to continue the conversation, make a video at colourbeat.com, or even share a dance with him at movewithcolour.com!
There is a balance in heterosexual relationships that allows for one physical form to be complemented by, rather than compared to, the other.
Gay guys need to account for the heightened notion of jealousy and a power imbalance that exist in gay male relationships.
Relationships between two men that are quite different, particularly physically, may in fact be more stable.